Thursday, 9 June 2016

 15:51:00      ,    No comments

Unconditional parenting


Diletantism sau meseria de parinte ca lifelong learning?

Se spune ca meseria de parinte este cea pentru care te pregatesti cel mai putin, dar care te solicita cel mai mult si care are, pe termen lung, cele mai mari implicatii asupra vietii noastre, asupra intregii familii. Toti ne dorim copii minunati, proiectandu-i peste ani intr-o lumina aproape ideala, dar uitand ca, pentru ca sa ajunga acei oameni minunati pe care ii vedem noi in viitor, copiii nostri au nevoie de implicarea noastra totala. Au nevoie de parinti care isi doresc sa invete sa fie mai buni in fiecare zi, care sa le arate respect, atentie si incredere, care sa-i asculte si sa le inteleaga nevoile, dorintele, aspiratiile, temerile, toate acele sentimente cuibarite in sufletele lor mari.

Adica de acei parinti care sa le ofere sprijin neconditionat si iubire in orice situatie. Au nevoie ca noi, parintii, sa ne adunam toate resursele, chiar si atunci cand spunem ca nu mai putem. Au nevoie sa ne pastram atitudinea de invatacei, pentru a putea uita toata educatia traditionala pe care am experimentat-o pe propria noastra piele (la propriu!) si pentru a invata noi abordari.

Au nevoie de curajul nostru de a infrunta toata societatea care ne poate condamna ca nu ne asumam rolul de parinte - dictator si de toata bunavointa noastra de a fi deschisi celor mai noi sfaturi privind parentingul.

Intre stilul mult blamat de "laissez-faire" (copilul face ce vrea, el trebuie sa exploreze) si stilul totalitar/dictatorial (parintele stie tot timpul ce este mai bine, nu comunica decat scurt si la obiect, nu-si cere scuze si nu da explicatii etc), parintii ar trebui sa gaseasca impreuna cu propriul copil (copii), cele mai bune cai de a rezolva problemele care apar mai tot timpul in relatia parinte - copil.

Si cum gestionam aceasta relatie in folosul ambelor parti?

Nu facem lucrurile impotriva copilului: adica nu-l batem, nu-i dam "time - out" decat daca simte el nevoia, nu-i retragem afectiunea atunci cand ne dezamageste sau nu-i oferim afectiune excesiva atunci cand ne bucura, nu-l pedepsim, dar nici nu-i oferim recompense sau laude permanente. In schimb facem lucrurile CU EL. Incercam sa ne gasim toate abilitatile de comunicare, toata rabdarea si mai ales, toata dragostea pe care i-o purtam pentru a gasi solutii IMPREUNA CU EL la toate provocarile pe care le-am putea intalni: de la pregatirile de dimineata pentru gradinita, pana la comportamente si situatii mai complexe.

Tot ce este mai important este sa fim mereu acolo pentru copil (copii). Sa nu simta nicio clipa ca dezertam din rolul de parinte drag, refugiindu-ne in cine stie ce ipostaza (nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc!). Iar visurile si aspiratiile noastre despre viitorul lui, sa le cladim impreuna, pentru ca el nu este proiectia noastra peste timp, copilul este o persoana unica, independenta, libera sa creasca, sa se transforme si sa viseze. Noi avem doar rolul de a ghida cu multa, multa...am spus multa? NU!!! Cu infinita dragoste, traseul lui in viata.

Acestea sunt doar cateva ganduri dupa conferinta „Parenting necondiţionat” sustinuta de ALFIE KOHN, sâmbătă, 21 mai 2016, la Muzeul Naţional de Artă al României, sala AUDITORIUM. ALFIE KOHN, psiholog, cercetator si autor al unor carti care au revolutionat ideile privind cresterea, formarea si educarea copiilor, a fost prezent pentru a treia oara in Romania. Dupa propria marturisire, in afara de spatiul nord - american, unde este invitat frecvent sa sustina conferinte, Romania este singura tara in care a fost invitat de trei ori. Ma intreb ce spune acest lucru despre noi, parintii romani? Intr-o maniera optimista, consider ca simtim nevoia de schimbare de paradigma in ceea ce priveste relatia parinte - copil si educarea copiilor, in general. Chiar daca suntem putini in raport cu totalitatea parintilor din Romania, poate ca este sansa noastra si a copiilor nostri sa facem noi primii pasi in acest univers nou, al parentingului neconditionat. Iar despre autor, ce pot sa va spun?! Este o incantare sa-l privesti si sa-l asculti. Ar fi putut fi oricand politician, dar si actor, pentru ca stapaneste perfect arta discursului si are nenumarate resurse de interpretare actoriceasca, mai ales in momentele in care evoca scene generice de familie, replici universale, momente pe care le-am trait noi toti, parinti si copii. Toate acestea sunt "asezonate" de o inteligenta sclipitoare, dar modesta si de un simt al umorului greu de egalat.

Multumim Totul despre mame, cei care au organizat cu multa daruire acest eveniment. A fost o dimineata minunata!


- ENGLISH VERSION -

They say that being a parent is the job for which you prepare the least, but that is the most demanding job ever, with major long term effects on our lives, and on the entire family. We all want wonderful children, projecting them over the years in an almost ideal light but forgetting that our children need our total involvement in order to become those wonderful people that we see in our future. They need parents who want to learn to be better every day, who show them respect, attention and trust, who listen to them and understand their needs, desires, aspirations fears, all those feelings nesting in their big souls.

Namely those parents who give them unconditional support and love in every situation. They need us, their parents, to gather all our resources and to carry on, even when we are sick and tired. They need us to keep an apprentice attitude so necessary to succeed forgetting all the traditional education that we experienced on our own skin (literally!) And to learn new approaches.

They need our courage to face the whole world blaming us for not adopting the role of parent - dictator and also all our goodwill to be open to the latest approaches on parenting.

Between the so much blamed "laissez-faire" style (the child does what she/he wants, she/he must explore) and the totalitarian/dictatorial style (the parent knows all the time what is best, she/he don’t communicate otherwise than shortly and to the point, with no apologize or any explanations etc) all the parents should find together with their child/children, the best way to resolve the various problems that occur all the time in parent - child relationship.

And how we manage this relationship for the benefit of both parties? We don’t do things against child: namely we do not beat him, not give him "time - out" unless he feels the need, not retreat our affection when she/he disappoints us or do not offer excessive affection when she/he pleases us, do not punish him, but also we do not offer rewards or praise her/him constantly.

Instead we do things WITH HER/HIM. We try to find inside us all the communication skills, all the patience and especially all the love the we bear in the heart to find together solutions to all the challenges that we may encounter: from the morning preparations for kindergarten to more complex behaviors and situations. All that is important is to always be there for the child (children). The child should not feel at any time that we run from the role of a dear parent into who knows what stance (not even want to think!). And regarding our dreams and aspirations regarding hers/his future, we have to build it together with her/him, because the child is NOT our projection over time, the child is a unique person, independent, free to grow, to transform and to dream. We only have the role to guide with much, much…did I say much? NO!!! With infinite love, their life path.

These are just a few thoughts after the conference "Unconditional Parenting" sustained by Alfie Kohn, Saturday, May 21, 2016, at the National Museum of Art of Romania, the Auditorium Hall. Alfie Kohn psychologist, researcher and author of books that have revolutionized the ideas on parenting, was present for the third time in Romania. After his own confession, except for North American space, where he is frequently invited to lecture, Romania is the only country where he has been invited three times. I wonder what this says about us, the Romanian parents? In an optimistic manner, I think we feel the need for a paradigm shift in terms of parent - child relationship and the education of children in general. Even if we are few comparing to all the parents from Romania, maybe it is our chance and the chance of our children to do the first steps in this new universe of "Unconditional Parenting". And about the author, what can I say?! It is a delight to watch and to listen. He could have been anytime a politician, and also an actor, because he masters perfectly the art of speech and he has many resources for acting, especially in the moments when he evokes generic family scenes, universal lines, moments experienced by all of us, parents and children. All these are "seasoned" by a brilliant but modest intelligence, and by a sense of humor difficult to match. We thank “Totul despre mame” (“All about mothers”), those who organized this event with great dedication. It was a wonderful morning!
 

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